"What should I do with my hands?"

 

 

 Well, that's not unusual. Girl on top requires the least amount of physical effort on our end, freeing up the mind to wander a bit. It’s also one of the best positions to, you know, take it all in. While I have nothing against the other 35 positions, missionary definitely leaves a lot more to the imagination.

 

 

 

1."This is a nice break." Lots of guys are likely to initiate the cowgirl move because they're winded, or on the brink of premature ejaculation. In either case, we need a moment to get it back together. On behalf of the male species, thank you for the breather.

 

2."BOOBS!" No other position affords such amazing optical access.

 

3."What should I do with my hands?" Being on the bottom leaves so many options: butt cheeks, clitoral play, your hair, grabbing your face to make out, hand holding… It's hard to choose!

 

4."I could stay like this for days." Lazy sex is the best sex. You know it's true.

 

5."Please don’t break my dick." It’s always in the back of our mind that something bad is going to happen while you're on top. One wrong move, and it's all over for our peen. (If this is making you want to Google "fractured penis," don’t. Just trust me.)

  

6."I wish I had a camera right now." While you might argue that the angle from our perspective isn't super flattering, we beg to differ. And until Apple develops an iCloud with CIA-level security, we're going to use our mental camera and save this to our spank bank. Yeah, gross, but true.

 

7."Alright—my turn again." A great sexual excursion includes a few positions, orgasms all around, and a celebratory sports drink (because hydration is key). 

 

Even though we love you on top, when you’re ready for a change, we're totally game. Just point us in the right direction.

 

 

Source: Womens Health Magazine/Scott Power

 

 

As you may know ot.not know, I occasionally reach out to my social media followers for topic ideas. During my last topic research quest, I spoke with a gentleman with an arsenal of questions, one of which really caught my attention:

 

“When you’re in a new relationship, how long should you wait before you let your freak out?”

 

 

So what do you do if you’re naturally pretty freaky?

 

Tough question my dear. You see, personally, I don’t like to waste time, either my own or my partner’s. However, I’m not your typical gal and I’m not what you would call “conventional”. I promote being sexually open about your kinks and sexual preferences from the start.

 

This can be difficult for individuals who are ashamed or embarrassed about their freakiness, those who are shy in nature or uncomfortable discussing sex, and those among us that are just beginning to explore their sexualities. 

 

When you add another person into the mix, things can get complicated. 

Sometimes you just gotta feel the person out, trust your gut, and/or wing it. I mean what do you have to lose besides the potential love of your life? Just kidding! The relationship will probably not work anyway if you have to keep your freakiness a secret or if your partner doesn’t accept your kinky needs.

 

My best advice to those of you that are currently struggling with this issue is to casually break the news after the 3rd date or so. The first date is usually pretty uncomfortable. You chit chat about surface issues in an attempt to get to know the person and determine if he/she is a good fit. During the second date, you dig deeper and may dive into some more personal issues, maybe you even kiss! Woah! By the third date, hopefully, you have gotten to know the person well enough to determine whether or not he/she can handle the news or if he/she is worthy of your sexiness (sorry, gotta lol here).

 

How do you break the news? I know it sounds dramatic.

 

 

Luckily, ladies and gentleman, we have other means of communication outside the regular face to face meet ups, which means you can slowly begin discussing sexual matters via social media or text to save face.kinky

 

You could also just throw it out there in person and hope for the best. However, I would save this as step two only after mentioning a few things here and there via text/social media. With the hope that you’re still in the game and you get the impression that your partner is down for some freakiness, you may now slowly raise your freak flag when you get your chance to be intimate. When I say “slowly”, I mean tone your kink down a few levels the first couple times. Once you feel comfortable with your partner and believe they’re ready for full blown freak, just let it out my friend.

 

Always: Use your best judgment.

 

 

This technique is a tad more natural as you just go with the flow of the sexual relationship. Here you’re basically skipping the chit chat and slowly incorporating your kinkiness into intimate moments.For example: Let’s say you’re a sadist, meaning you get turned on by inflicting pain upon others. What you would do is begin slow, so maybe you gently bite your partner’s lip, gently pull their hair or nibble on their nipples. 

 

Carefully monitor your partner’s reactions. Then the next time just do the same but try a tad harder. Again, monitor your partner’s reactions. Maybe this time discuss whether he/she enjoyed it. If so, you can take it further and maybe include some spankings. Then you just take it from there depending on your level of sadistic desires.spanking

 

Another example: You’ve got a foot fetish; feet turn you on. You can slowly begin to break the news to your partner by making subtle comments such as, “Oh did you get a pedicure? I love the color” or something like, “I just love your feet, they’re so sexy”. When you become intimate, slowly kiss down their leg until you get to the toes and only kiss them. Monitor his/her reactions. Next time you do the same and you can incorporate some toe sucking. 

 

Again, monitor his/her reactions. If you notice some confusion or “disgust” then you know your partner is just not into the whole foot thing.

 

The main word here is slowly. You don’t want to go full freak on your partner straight off the bat. You don’t want o scare him/her or freak them out.

 

The bottom line is that everyone is different and dating requires some interpersonal skills. The method you chose 

 depends on your personality, your partner’s personality, your confidence, and your level of experience in sex and 

 dating.

 

Good luck to you my fellow kinkster! Don’t be discouraged if your partner doesn’t accept you for who you are because there’s someone out there for everyone.

 

Source: Marlene Solerne and Modern & Blissful 

 

1. First things first: Here’s what BDSM actually stands for:

BDSM includes bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M). The terms are lumped together that way because BDSM can be a lot of different things to different people with different preferences, BDSM writer and educator Clarisse Thorn, author of The S&M Feminist, tells  Most of the time, a person's interests fall into one or two of those categories, rather than all of them.

 

2. It doesn’t always involve sex, but it can.

Most people think BDSM is always tied to sex, and while it can be for some people, others draw a hard line between the two. "Both are bodily experiences that are very intense and sensual and cause a lot of very strong feelings in people who practice them, but they're not the same thing," says Thorn. The metaphor she uses for it: a massage. Sometimes a massage, however sensual it feels, is just a massage. For others, a rubdown pretty much always leads to sex. It's kind of similar with BDSM; it's a matter of personal and sexual preference.

 

3. There is nothing inherently wrong or damaged with people if they’re into it.

This is one of the most common and frustrating misconceptions about BDSM, says Thorn. BDSM isn't something that emerges from abuse or domestic violence, and engaging in it does not mean that you enjoy abuse or abusing.Instead, enjoying BDSM is just one facet of someone's sexuality and lifestyle. "It's just regular people who happen to get off that way," sex expert Gloria Brame, Ph.D., author of Different Loving, tells BuzzFeed Life. "It's your neighbors and your teachers and the people bagging your groceries. The biggest myth is that you need this special set of circumstances. It's regular people who have a need for that to be their intimate dynamic."

 

"A lot of people starting out think it's 'all or nothing,' specially if you've only been with one partner," says Thorn. For instance, you might think that because you enjoyed being submissive under certain circumstances, that means you must agree to a whole host of submissive or masochistic behaviors that you're not necessarily into. But that's absolutely wrong. You can — and should — pick and choose which BDSM activities you are and are not interested in, says Thorn. And that can vary depending on the situation, the partner, or even the day. Just remember that consent is a requirement in BDSM, and it's possible to consent to one thing while still objecting to another.

 

5. BDSMers are just as stable as people who prefer vanilla sex.

"In my experience, it's easier for people to get into BDSM if they don't have a history of abuse, people who are in a more stable place in their lives," says Thorn. A 2008 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that people who had engaged in BDSM in the past year were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity and were no more likely to be unhappy or anxious than those who didn't do BDSM. And actually, men who engaged in BDSM had lower scores of psychological distress than other men.

 That said, BDSMers do not judge people who aren't into it, explains Thorn. The term "vanilla" isn't meant to be derogatory, just to refer to non-BDSM sexual acts or people who aren't interested in kink.

 

If you ever find yourself at a BDSM meet-up or dungeon, don't mention any shade of grey. While some people appreciate that the books spurred more interest in kink and may have made it less stigmatized, others take issue with the abusive, unhealthy relationship it portrays and the seriously unrealistic scenes. All in all, it is not an accurate representation of the BDSM community.

 

7. It’s not all whips and chains all the time — or ever if that’s not your thing.

Sure, some S&M enthusiasts might have these in their arsenal, but it's definitely not everyone's cup of kink. "Some people go for what's called 'sensual dominance,' which is where there might be some toys or play but no pain involved at all," says Brame. "It's more like one partner agrees to do everything than the other person asks. BDSM doesn't have to follow any pattern, and there is no one model for what a BDSM relationship can be."

 

Again, since it isn't always about intercourse, you wouldn't necessarily say that you "had sex" or "hooked up" with someone after a BDSM experience. Instead, these are called scenes (like, you scened with someone or you had a scene)."It's an evolution from a time where, if you did S&M, you might only do it with a professional for an hour, or you might just see it performed at a BDSM club," says Brame. "Now people have much more organic relationships, but they still call it a scene — the time when we bring out the toys or get into that headspace."

So you've probably heard about dominants and submissives (if not, the dominant enjoys being in charge, while the submissive enjoys receiving orders). But BDSMers may also use the terms "tops" and "bottoms" to describe themselves. A top could refer to a dominant or a sadist (someone who enjoys inflicting pain), while a bottom could refer to a submissive or a masochist (someone who enjoys receiving pain). This allows you to have a blanket term for those who generally like being on either the giving or receiving end in a BDSM encounter. And there's no rule that says you can't be both dominant and submissive in different circumstances or with different partners.

 

Maybe the thought of being tied up excites you, or you enjoy spanking or being spanked. Or maybe you're more interested in leather masks and nipple clamps and hot wax. All of that (and obviously a lot more) is within the realm of BDSM. Basically, you can still be into kink without actually ever going to a dungeon.

 

Using a blindfold or an ice cube or fuzzy handcuffs you got at a bachelorette party are all relatively harmless beginner behaviors if you're into them. But before you play around with some of the trickier tools, you need to learn how to do so safely. Even a rope or a whip can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing.Hell, you can even mess up with your own hands (think: fisting): "[Some people] think they can clench a fist and stick it inside somebody," says Brame. "That's a good way to really injure someone and send them to the hospital." (Instead, she suggests an "enormous amount of lubricant" and starting with two or three fingers, then slowly and carefully building up to the whole hand.)

 

If you're one of those people who throws away the directions and tries to build the bookshelf on intuition alone, BDSM is probably not for you. "I would say the vast majority of what we call BDSM education is how to maximize ecstasy and minimize risk," says Brame. "How to do all the things you fantasized about doing and to do them safely."

 While there's no one required reading list, there seem to be a few favorites that are often recommended to beginners, like SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon, and The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. 

 Classes, conferences, and meetups are also helpful for learning specific techniques, says Thorn. Another popular resource is FetLife.com, a Facebook-like network for the kink community, which can connect you with message boards, groups, and classes in your area.

 

One mistake many people make when first experimenting with BDSM is relying on one person to show them the way. Even if they do have your best interest at heart (and they might not), it can be limiting to only have one perspective on something that is so multidimensional, says Thorn. Instead, seek out books, workshops, meet-ups, mentors, friends, message boards, and more to find a safe place to explore your interests.

 "When you can't talk about what's happening and you can't make sense of your experience with like-minded people, that's way more dangerous than the variety of activities you might fantasize about," says Thorn.

 

It might sound cheesy, but it's a well-established norm in BDSM. (And hey, your safe word could actually be "cheesy" if you want. You do you.) "Safe words are probably one of the most important norms that have spread across the community, even if people use them in different ways," says Thorn. For instance, not everyone uses safe words all the time after a while, but it's important to start out with them. They can essentially be anything you want, as long as it's something that you wouldn't normally say during sex. You can find more info about safe words here.

 

"Dungeon monitors will kick out people who don't look like they're playing safely," says Brame. This can be anything from ignoring safe words to using a whip incorrectly. Seriously, did we mention that safety is paramount here? In fact, the acronym SSC (safe, sane, consensual) is one of the most common pillars of the practice.

 

 

Getting swept up in the moment and accidentally stumbling into a millionaire's red room (where you'll have multiple orgasms) is probably not going to happen to you ever. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing. "The sexual fantasy makes everything look so easy," says Brame. "People who actually do this stuff are very cautious about it. It has to be the right place and right time and right equipment. And you have to know you can get the person out [of whatever bondage] if there's an emergency. You have to feel you can trust the person." So there's a lot that goes into one scene, but that doesn't mean it's any less satisfying for those who enjoy it.

 

Whenever people question the role of consent in BDSM, they should consider the enormous amount of communication that occurs before, during, and after the scenes. "We talk about it hugely before we ever do it," says Brame. "We talk about what we want to do, what we're going to do, what our fantasies are… that's part of negotiating a good relationship as a BDSMer."

 

18. There’s actually a pre-negotiation period, where the partners discuss what they like, what they don’t like, and what they absolutely will not tolerate.Think of this as the primer before the scene. "It's a way of discussing the experience ahead of time that can increase emotional security," says Thorn. This can involve anything from scripts and checklists to a more informal discussion of what each person's expectations are for the scene, what they want and don't want, and any words or actions that are completely off-limits.

 

Since BDSM can be an incredibly intense and emotional experience for some, most experts strongly suggest this wrap-up step, where the partners can discuss the scene and any reactions they had to it. "People are extremely vulnerable during aftercare," says Thorn. "It can be really weird to have a scene without it." This can also be a strong bonding experience between the partners.

 

 

Not everyone who's interested in BDSM has multiple sexual or relationship partners. "It used to be a popular perception that we don't form long-term relationships," says Brame. "A lot of BDSMers are just monogamous people. A lot of people just want to do it with their partner or play with the big toys at clubs."

 

This is not a one-size-fits-all kink. There are light floggers, leather whips, whips with single tails, whips with multiple tails that are flat and wide, the list goes on, says Thorn. But because certain types can be harsher than others, you really need to learn how to use them properly (again, workshops are crucial). "People practicing with a single-tail whip will often start with a pillow or some distant small object, like a light switch," she says.

 

 

Like, um, the eyes, obviously. Or the kidney area. "The skin is thin there and you have vital organs under there. You can bruise your kidneys," explains Brame.

"There are plenty of stories out there of people who were too nervous to bring it up and then found out that their partner had the same fantasy," says Thorn. If you're nervous about it, ask if they'd be interested in checking out a particular book or workshop you heard about. Or just talk about it in the context of sexual fantasies by asking your partner if they've ever tried anything like BDSM or if they've ever wanted to. If you think about it, you're only risking one awkward conversation, and the payoff can be huge if this is something you want in your life.

 

 

24. There is an immensely helpful list of kink-aware professionals so you can find a doctor or therapist who uniquely understands your lifestyle.Maybe you're worried that your gynecologist or your lawyer won't be sensitive to your lifestyle or doesn't allow you to feel comfortable talking about it. Check out the Kink Aware Professionals Directory from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom to find someone who will be more accepting.

 

Between stereotypes, porn, and Fifty Shades of Grey, there's a lot of misconceptions about BDSM. Short of attending a workshop or visiting a dominatrix, the best way to learn more about it is to do some research. "Just like with regular sex, if you want to be good at it, you really have to learn about what's going on when this stuff is happening," says Brame.

 

Source: BuzzFeed

 

sharing their partner for casual sex without any emotional commitment. Swinger couples, many times married, have casual sex with other couples, whereby they 

 

swap partners. You would be surprised by how many people are actually members of this “secret” community.

 

The Average Swinger Profile

 

Swingers facts:

 

 

Swingers are people from literally ALL WALKS OF LIFE: doctors, nurses, business professionals, teachers, architects, marines/military personnel, parents, 

 

grandparents (yup), your cable guy, mailman, electrician, plumber, etc.

The swinging community is much larger than your think. The majority of these couples are in fact married an average of 10.5 years. Interestingly, according 

 

to research by McGinley (1995), 15% of U.S. couples have joined the swinging community. According to Cole and Spaniard (1974), 1.7 percent of their sample 

 

participated in swinging-related activities at least once in their life.

The average swinger is white, middle-aged (average 39 years old), middle/upper class, and college educated (at least 2 years of college). Women typically 

 

begin swinging after age 25; men after 30. Therefore, the “golden age” of swinging according to Fabio D’Orlando’s Swinger Economics research is 25-45 for 

 

women, and 30-50 for men.

Single swingers in the community may also participate in the action through threesomes (for men cuckholds and hotwifing). I explained these terms/practices 

 

in my previous post titled Intro to Fetishes and Sexual Paraphilia.

Through this, they are able to participate in fantasy fulfillment of the couple, while engaging in non-committing sex (WIN-WIN).

Swinging Practices

 

Swingers come in all shapes and sizes.

Yes, literally and in terms of their hook-up “rules”. Now, what do I mean by that? In the literal sense, there are young and hot swingers, and then there are 

 

older, not-so-hot swingers. In terms of their swinging practices, many times, couples start out in the “lifestyle” (yes, that’s another term for people in 

 

the swinging community), with voyeuristic/exhibitionistic activities (they watch other people have sex and get off on other people watching them have sex).

 

Taking it a step further, some swinging couples only do “soft swap”, that means that they only make out and participate in oral intercourse with other 

 

couples, no vaginal/penile penetration. They save the best for their partner.

 

Other couples are “full swap”, pretty self-explanatory. However, this category of couples is further divided into three groups, same room, separate room, and 

 

playing completely separately. Whaaatttttt? Well, some couples prefer the “4-some” experience and get off on watching their partner having intercourse with 

 

another person. Some couples would prefer to “play” in separate rooms, but all in one vicinity. For the longest time, I have tried to figure out why couples 

 

would prefer separate rooms. I have come up with some possible reasons: a) to prevent jealousy related emotions b) for concentration purposes (it helps them 

 

focus…sometimes men experience visual overload and have a hard time getting hard/staying hard) c) they prefer one-on-one intimacy.

 

Now some couples, play completely separately, meaning that they have sex with other people on the side, WITH their partner’s knowledge, yet maintain their 

 

main, committed relationship. Mind blown!

 

But Why??

 

Well, the majority of surveyed swinging couples state that the reason for their choice of an alternative lifestyle is to spice up their sex life and their 

 

social life. According to data presented by Blevins-Williams & Bergstrand (2000), 62.6% of swingers revealed that swinging improved their 

 

marriage/relationship. Among the couples who stated their marriages were “unhappy” prior to swinging, 90.4% said their relationships improved after swinging.

 

Swinger individuals/couples explain that the lifestyle adds excitement to their lives, improving their social lives and their sex lives as they interact with 

 

other like-minded individuals. Basically, they do it, because it’s fun! It’s just recreational sex, they save the more intimate love-making moment for their 

 

significant others.

 

Interested in exploring what the swinging lifestyle community has to offer? Join the Swinging Lifestyle Community to find singles and couples in your area to 

 

explore your sexuality with.

 

Source:Marlene Salerno Modern & Bliss