Previously we featured the book about swinging, or being in the lifestyle, by Larry and Mia Fine, a couple who have been married for 30 years, and who have been in the lifestyle for ten years.  It's called Swinging A to Z - A how-to guide from a full-swap Lifestyle couple for enhancing your relationship with recreational sex. Larry and Mia have been kind enough to provide us with an excerpt from their book that answers the question, Why be a Swinger?

There are good marriages, but no delightful ones.
—La Rochefoucauld

“Sex” is as important as eating or drinking and
we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied
with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.
—Marquis de Sade


If you wish your lover to cheat on you, marry him.

We need food to eat, water to drink, air to breathe. No one would argue with that. Furthermore, we all have several necessities built into our bodies and pre-set into our minds. Having sex is one of them. Besides the pure, natural need for sex, we are carrying sexual feelings, fantasies, and desires with us throughout most of our lives.

Sex plays an enormous role in human life. According to researchers of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University, men are always thinking about sex. By that, they mean 54% of men think about sex several times a day, compared with just 19% of women. Do you think that’s a lot? It’s nothing if neuropsychiatrist Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, is correct. She writes in her book that men think about sex every 52 seconds, while women tend to think of it just once a day.

No matter how often we think of sex (and how strongly we might be preoccupied with sexual desires), the reality is clear: sex is a basic human instinct that significantly controls our minds. It is a reason for many of our thoughts and actions. Many historical examples prove that sex greatly affects our behavior. We don’t have to go deep in the past. Recent scandals involving A-list celebrities as well as first-grade politicians (do you recall that smooth transition of ‘The Oval Office’ into ‘The Oral Office’?) should be more than enough to prove the above statement.

As swingers, the authors never equate love and sex. No swingers do. Love is an individual feeling and translates differently for every one of us. We might just live for our loved one, and we cannot imagine our existence without him or her. Sex is different. We can have it with anyone with just one condition—we should have sexual desire for our prospective playmate. Besides being mostly physiological, plain sex is emotional and pleasurable by itself. However, these emotions have nothing to do with our sex partner as a person.

If you disagree with that premise, perhaps you’ve never had sex just for the sake of it. Caring about your sex partner is wonderful if he/she is the love of your life. If you have any likewise personal feelings for your playmate while having sex outside your relationship, you are in trouble. Something is likely wrong with you or your relationship (or both).

Mother Nature has programmed humans to be polygamists. Doubtful? Have you ever cheated on a loved one? Would you go for it if you knew for sure nobody would ever learn? Have you never even thought about having sex with someone other than your significant other?

After being together for a considerable time (for some of us it can take two or three years, for some 20 or 30 years), we start to feel something is missing from our used-to-be-perfect relationship. We could love each other more than ever, we could have beautiful children, own big houses and expensive cars, be successful at business, and yet feel something is wrong. Our sexual interactions become once-a-week, routine, fully predictable, and not exciting events. Time flies, and sexuality slowly dies while unsatisfied sexual fantasies grow. Some of us just live with it. Some start looking for satisfaction outside a relationship by cheating on our partners. Neither helps the relationship, but feeling and acting that way is natural and normal. Mother Nature made us this way.

Dear Cheaters, ask yourselves, “Is it necessary to risk everything you’ve built in your life for those moments of sexual excitement and a few orgasms? What is more important: the love of your life and happiness of your family…or sex on the side?” We anticipate your answer being something like, “Yes, I know, but I am unable to stop. It happens by itself.”

Similar to having the same dish for every dinner, listening to the same music every night, watching the same show every weekend (even if that is your favorite dish, music, and show respectively), having sex with only one partner doesn’t work well for most of us in the long run. It becomes less satisfying and boring in the end. What is the solution? Should we divorce and then re-marry? It won’t help much. We will end up in the same situation; this time even faster than before. Could cheating help? Only if we like to live in the chaos of arrangements being kept in deep secret from everyone. Only if we are ready to erase dialed and received numbers from our phone, to face the hell of permanent dishonesty with our life partners, and, finally, the real possibility of a divorce.

However, letting sexuality die isn’t a viable option for most. Some couples try to resolve their internal sex-related issues by turning to prostitutes, one of them, or even both. Others end up with open relationships. They agree to meet other people for having sex separately from each other. This solution could work for a small group of people but would require a lot of trust on both sides. It could satisfy their sexual desires on a certain level. If they were lucky enough to control themselves fully, this arrangement wouldn’t damage their relationship. Although, it wouldn’t bring it to the new and better stage since life partners aren’t going through fun times together. What’s more, they might break the hearts of people they play with. Due to those people’s vanilla mindset, many of them would expect you to leave your loved ones for them.

The real answer is simple and depends on us and only on us. If we truly intend to keep our relationship on solid ground and at the same time enhance its sexual part, if we are interested in sincerity between us, if we want to explore our sexuality, open new, unfamiliar sexual sides of each other, and make it happen together, swinging answers all our problems.

So, if you want more information on the ins and outs of swinging, you've got to buy Swinging from A to Z. You can purchase it on Amazon.com by clicking on the the banner below.

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